Tobi Can Say Anything and it Always Sounds Wrong
by Lil' DeiDei
Summary: Tobi is the master of making anything and everything sound so awkward. Why not scribe it to be sure we don't miss out on anything? Sporadic updates. Crack; one-sided TobiDeidara.
1. Chapter 1

The following story is brought to you by Jill's strange and slightly lazy mind, which has just not wanted to get its butt moving and write some darn stories. Thus, this was born, as a way to get Paka (the name of Jill's brain—pronounced like "baka") working and begin writing again. Kishimoto Masashi, who Jill has realized is actually not that bad since, after all, he is the guy who created Jiraiya-sama and Tobi-kun, owns _Naruto_, but Jill owns these ideas.

I needed a way to get myself to start writing again, and what better way to do that then through the use of free-writing to one main prompt idea—rapist Tobi-chan? This is rated T only because I think Tobi is a stalker. I will never write a lemon, or if I do, I won't tell anyone.

The style of this story is a little odd because I didn't want to write full stories or scenes; basically, how much can I convey in as few words as possible per scene?

**Awkward Situations**

"Deidara-senpai, want to stuff me?"

"Tobi, why do you ask questions like this, un?"

* * *

"I can't get it in, Senpai!"

"Just… shove… harder... un!"

"Oh look, the drawer fits now!"

* * *

"I'll raise you, Deidara-senpai. I'll make you so high, you think you're flying," Tobi said flirtatiously.

Deidara stared. "We're just playing poker, Tobi, un."

* * *

"Oh, Sen~pai!" Tobi sang.

"What, un?" Deidara yelled back.

"I have a surprise for you," Tobi called, chuckling evilly under his breath. "_I know you'll like it._"

Deidara's head popped around the corner. "Tobi, un?"

"I bought some new _toys_."

Deidara said nothing.

"Play-doh!"

* * *

"Senpai, why is it so small?" Tobi said, looking rather disappointed. "It's no fun like this. You have to do something to make it bigger! Want me to help? I'm good with my hands."

"I can just use my chakra to make it bigger, baka. Haven't you ever done that, un?"

"Why would I?"

"Oh, well I use mine all the time, so it's important to use my chakra for it, un," Deidara said as he used his chakra to make his clay bird grow.

* * *

"Tobi, why do you always play with that? It's disgusting, un."

"What do you mean, Senpai?"

"Well, you're just touching… _it_."

"Yeah… you wanna try? Move your hand up, and then down, Senpai!"

"That doesn't sound wrong at all," Kisame muttered. "It's just a paddle ball."

"He found it in a dumpster, un!"

* * *

"Senpai, you should really taste some of this," Tobi said seductively to Deidara.

"Why, un?"

"Because it's scrumpitlicious!" _And it has an aphrodisiac in it!_ he thought wickedly.

Luckily, Deidara had the ability to read minds. "NO WAY, UN!"

* * *

"Senpai, stop getting your white stuff everywhere! It's supposed to stay inside your pouch!" Tobi yelled. "Aaah, now it's drying and sticking to the floor! Yucky!"

"It's just clay, un."

* * *

"Oh, my! It's amazing! It's thick, and has a good grip," Tobi gushed, gently squeezing the masterpiece while Deidara smirked.

Deidara looked down. "I know, it's awesome, un."

"We'll win the potato peeling competition for sure with this nice thick peeler on our side!"

* * *

Tobi stared in awe at the creation bestowed by the Ramen Kamis upon his Senpai.

"It's huge, I know, un."

Tobi gulped. "I don't think I can handle it, Deidara-senpai…"

"Come on, it's just a little prick, un."

"That's not little!"

Deidara sighed, and jabbed Tobi with the ink tattoo needle anyway. "If you want awesome tattoos like me, deal with it, un."

* * *

"Use the knob, obviously. Un."

"But, but, which one? There's so many and they're all so pretty!"

"You just called a knob pretty, un?"

"Yep! I'll just try this one… oops, sorry Senpai!"

* * *

1) What was your favorite scene? **Why?**

2) Your least favorite parts? **Why?**

3) Criticism, complaints?

4) Prompts you would like to see my respond to (the general idea is to take a concept and write ten scenarios for it)?

Thanks! =)


	2. Chapter 2

The following is the result of Jill's increasing efforts to WRITE MORE, DAGNAMMIT, ANKO! Kishimoto Masashi owns _Naruto_, and honestly, I don't know if I could do it better—but there are certainly things I would change—but Jill does own her ideas. Which are used in this story.

Thanks to Howard and **EeBee-kohai** for being such Super Perverts. The Gallant Toad Sage, Jiraiya-sama, would be proud. R.I.P., Jira-chan (Rest wIth Perverts).

There's a bug on my wall. I think it is dead. I don't want to touch it.

**Tobi Took Math?**

"Deidara, will you touch my e if I square your mc?"

* * *

"Me plus you equals fun times in bed, Senpai!"

"What, un!"

"Well, we could have a pillow fight and paint our nails and stuff…"

"Oh… right. Un."

* * *

"You know how a square peg can't go in a circular hole, Senpai?"

"Yeah, un…"

"Well, you can stick your square peg in my hole anytime, Senpai!"

"… That doesn't make sense and you're being creepy, un."

* * *

"We have to get the angles right for it to go in, Senpai!"

"No, change the angle and it feels better, un. It gives you new sensations."

"Yeah, but you won't clean your teeth properly if you hold your toothbrush that way."

* * *

"Don't touch my fishy, un!"

"But it was only one fishy, Senpai."

"No."

"But they're so good. I love the fishies cause they're so delicious!"

"Leave my Goldfish alone, un!"

* * *

"My arms itch, un."

"I'll itch your arms, Senpai!"

"Tobi… Go away, un."

* * *

"What are the odds that you and I would've ended up on a team together, huh, Senpai?"

"Nine to one against, un…"

"Huh?"

* * *

"I found an equation to represent our existence, Senpai!"

"…what, un?"

"Well… Deidara-senpai plus cute little Tobi-chan equals the awesomest team in existence!"

"Go away, un."

* * *

"So, Senpai. I have a question."

"What, Tobi, un?"

"Well. How is, 'do you like math' a pickup line?"

"Um… I have no idea. Un."

"Do _you_ like math, _Senpai_?"

"… That's how, un. It's all in the tone."

* * *

"Sasori-danna, your art makes my eyes bleed!"

"I'll clean your bleeding eyes, Senpai!"**

* * *

**So, most of the things in this story in general come from random things people around me have said that, when taken out of context, are completely hilarious just because they're ridiculous statements to make. The other day, I was at Krispy Kreme, and the music they were playing…. Was. AWFUL! The expression, "My ears are bleeding" exists purely because of that music. When I told my boyfriend this, his response was, "I'll clean your bleeding ears." O.o

Also, kudos to anyone who notices the Key of Awesome reference. XD Go watch that if you don't know what it is!

Thanks for waiting so long for me to get my act together! Hopefully, this submission will be the first of many of me writing again. =) I've made it a goal for 2011 to submit some form of art (be it writing, photography, or fail drawings) at least once a week. I think it will be good for my brain. =) Feel free to join me! (I stole the idea from shortpinay on dA anyway… Her drawings are awesome!)


	3. Chapter 3

The following story is brought to you by Lil' DeiDei. Kishimoto Masashi owns _Naruto_, but Dei-chan owns her ideas.

Thanks to **KillerMay** for the prompt. If anyone has a suggestion for the next topic, let me know! I might just do another compilation of oddness. XD

**Hair of the Ninja**

"Senpai, how do you think he gets his to stick up like that?" Tobi asked, staring in awe at the man revealed before them.

"I have no clue, un. Now shut up and kill him."

"I think he's killing me," Tobi breathed.

"Um, are we going to fight or do you guys need a moment to discuss my hair?" Kakashi asked.

* * *

"Wow! I had no idea it came in that color! Do you think it's just as effective? Because it's not even sticking up right."

"…Effective for what? It's hair, un."

* * *

"Ugh, I can't reach, and it's just causing me so much discomfort, un."

"I'll cause you discomfort! I mean, I'll get it for you. Right… there?"

"Yeaaah, thanks. That feels _good_, un."

"No problem, Senpai. Glad I could relieve it for you."

"Yeah, un. Thanks for washing my hair. I just can't reach the ends, un…"

* * *

The sun was out, and the birds were chirping, but all was not what it seemed.

"OH MY GOD, IT'S COMPLETELY UPRIGHT! THAT'S UNNATURAL, UN!"

"Don't worry, Senpai," a voice replied calmly. "It'll all be okay if you just let me handle it."

"STAY AWAY!"

"You have to let me stroke it to get it down!"

Deidara paused. "That sounds _wrong_, un."

Tobi grinned. "I know, Senpai, I know." Then he brushed Deidara's hair.

* * *

"Ewwww, slimey! That's icky, Senpai!"

"I know, he's just not showing the proper treatment of such an important thing," Deidara answered, swishing his head.

"I don't care about hair. I just want your bodies!"

"Please shut up, un."

"Where is Itachi-kun?"

"He's in the bathroom!"

"Tobi. Don't tell the pervert that, un. Look at him!"

"Ewwwww. Orochimaru-chan, you're a pervert. Itachi is only washing his hands. He took a poopie."

Orochimaru's face twisted in disgust. "I'll go find Sasuke-kun now…"

* * *

"I think it resembles a pineapple."

"Hmm, un. Either that, or a weird tree."

"In any case, no one's 'bush' should look like that. Teehee!"

"It's my hair. Are we gonna fight now or what, cause I'm getting hot in the sun."

"I'll make you hot in the sun!" Tobi screeched, leaping forward.

* * *

"This organization is not normal. I just overheard Tobi and Deidara talking, and they're discussing whether or not Sasori had a penis!"

"Kisame. Don't be ridiculous."

"Seriously, Itachi! Tobi was all, 'It must have been stiff and wooden, but I saw it when it was breezey.' Then Deidara said, 'It was floppy most of the time. I guess the atmosphere just stimulated it. Un.'"

"Stop giving me a pointed look. They could have been referring to anything."

"Well, Sasori wasn't wearing his cloak when they found his body. The girl clearly got him to reveal a lot, if you know what I mean."

"I'm telling you, Tobi, un, his hair was floppy, not stiff. It wasn't made of wood, un."

Kisame blinked. "His _hair_?"

"What else would we have been discussing, Fishy-chan? Puppets don't have penises."

"It's peni, un."

* * *

**NOTE:** Not quite ten, but I can't talk much more about ninja hair. This was hard enough to write as it is! And, please let me know your favorite/least favorite segment! Thanks! =) Btw, this hasn't arisen (hehe), but if anyone wants to take one of these scenarios and expand it into a full story or even a one-shot, that would be really cool! Just let me know you're doing it so I can read it and tell everyone how awesome you are. XP


	4. Chapter 4

The following story is brought to you by Lil' DeiDei. Kishimoto Masashi owns _Naruto_, but Dei-chan owns her ideas.

My brother and I were watching some old fioriparty videos on youtube the other day (specifically, the one about Sasuke hating snakes. "That's just mah pet snake Reggie. ^_^" Makes me laugh every time.), and I was reminded of what I was missing out on by not contributing to the ridiculousness that is the _Naruto_ fanbase. So here we are.

Also, remember this collection is supposed to sound perverted. As a warning and all.

**Now where were we…?**

"Don't stop now! It's just… ngghh… just getting good!" Deidara moaned.

"Senpai, calm down," Tobi said, "I won't stop until you finish."

"Goo—ah!—good," Deidara muttered.

"Senpai, if you keep making all that noise, everyone else will want to join in," Tobi chided.

"No good," Deidara cried. "I'm not sharing. Your mud-bath-massages are to _die for_, un."

* * *

"Senpai, senpai, senpai," Tobi sang to the tune of the "Dreidal Song".

"What, un?" Deidara snapped.

"Touch my big long pointy rock solid hard pulsing shaft!" Tobi shouted. "Of rock candy!"

LINE

"Let us begin," Orochimaru hissed, drawing his blade.

"Oh, I started _ages_ ago," Tobi said.

"That's… disgusting."

* * *

"I don't get it! Why does everyone think I'm so perverted?"

Pein stared at Madara. "Seriously?"

Madara stared back insolently through his mask.

"You jump Deidara every chance you get and are always talking about "stiff, hard' _things_, and _stroking_, and… ugh!" Pein's face wrinkled in disgust. "The other day, I overheard you say, 'Deidara, I want to touch it. No, don't put it away, I need a closer look.' Out of context, that sounds completely inappropriate."

"Oh. That makes sense now."

* * *

"It's long."

"I know."

"It's hard."

"I know."

"It hurts."

"It's supposed to."

"Can't you do it more gentler, Senpai?"

"How can I possibly thrust more gently than this?"

"You are not a good swordsman, Senpai."

* * *

"Senpai! Senpai, wake up!"

Deidara didn't move. Tobi kissed him full on the mouth. "OH MY KAMI! First I take a lightning bolt in the butt, and then you kiss me! Blech!"

"I'll take a lightning bolt in the butt!"

"Okay," Kakashi obliged him with Chidori.

* * *

"You suck, Senpai!"

"I do not engage in mouth-to-other-things actions, un."

"Not even candy? Yay, yay, candy! Yay!" Tobi smirked. "Wanna lick my lollipop, Senpai?"

"Penis, penis, penis, I want to touch Se—oh, hi Deidara!"

"!"

* * *

I'll end there. Thanks, Howard. Keep it up. =P


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks to **Akatsuki Stitches **for the prompt!

**Food**

"That looks tasty, Fishy-chan!"

"Thanks, Tob—I am not a fish!"

"Well, you smell fishy. Just like Senpai's hands."

"Dude. That was way too much information."

"But… we went fishing," Tobi explained as Kisame quickly walked away.

* * *

"I was going to make hotdogs," Tobi said seriously. "But then I considered how, 'Senpai, eat my big long hotdog' sounds."

"Wow," Deidara replied, impressed. "I can't believe you thought that far ahead."

Tobi grinned proudly. "I know! So I made curry instead, since chili has a natural aphrodisiac!"

* * *

"So, Senpai," Tobi began with a lecherous grin, "wanna take a bite out of me?"

* * *

"That icing looks beautiful, Tobi," Pein complimented him.

"I know how to stroke it just right."

"Never speak again," Pein commanded.

* * *

"Wow, it worked first time." Tobi was surprised.

"It always does for me, un."

"It never responds to me!" Tobi complained.

"You're not patient enough. This takes time."

"But you get it so frothy and white! And this is supposed to be the easiest thing to make!" Tobi sadly wiped a tear from his eye. "My cupcakes will never be as beautiful as Deidara-senpai's without buttermilk frosting!"

* * *

"Are you… dancing to… salsa music?" Deidara asked upon entering the kitchen, his eye twitching as he watched Tobi spin the salad bowl in circles.

Tobi nodded. "Want to join me?" He rolled his hips. "It's very sensual," he added, flipping a quesadilla.

Deidara fled the room as Tobi continued dancing around the kitchen.

"Senpai!" Tobi cried in a hurt voice. "Let's salsa!"

* * *

"Bang, bang, mash, mash!" Tobi shouted. He giggled. "Hey, hey, Deidara! Let's bang and mash!"

"How 'bout: no," Deidara replied.

"But… don't you get it? Bangers and mash! We should bang," Tobi said seriously.

"I am beginning to wonder if he fully understands what he says half the time," Itachi remarked.

"I think he does," Kisame answered as Tobi said, "Bang with me, Senpai!"

* * *

"Let's see," Tobi muttered under his breath. "Lime juice, salt, tequila…"

"What are you doing, un?"

"Making homemade margaritas," Tobi replied, grinning.

"That sounds good," Deidara said cautiously, reaching over to taste-test the mixture.

"I've been hoping to get you drunk for a while, now," Tobi confessed.

"Egad!"

* * *

"These potatoes need more salt," Zetsu complained.

"I'll pepper your salt!"

"What is he talking about?" the others wondered.


	6. Chapter 6

In honor of my dear sister, Bubbles.

**Food Mark II**

"I need more service when you're done eating."

Tobi burst out laughing.

"I meant more cranberry juice," Kakuzu said from his hospital bed.

* * *

"Nutrients," tittered Tobi. "I'll stuff you full of nutrients, Senpai!"

* * *

"You know what might taste good on that sauce?" Itachi asked, trying to direct the group cooking lessons seriously.

"Me!" Tobi squealed.

* * *

"Hold still," a voice said in his ear. A finger flicked across his nose before it was held up before his face. "You had ice cream on your nose."

A smack.

"Ow, Senpai! I was being seductive!" Tobi licked his finger delicately, trying to make googly eyes at Deidara.

"Would that ever have worked on you?" Pein asked Konan curiously.

She merely stared at him, saying nothing.

"Course not," he mumbled.

* * *

"This," Kisame announced proudly as he displayed his fine culinary skills in the form of a grand seven-layer chocolate and vanilla ice cream cake, "is my master piece."

"You can master my piece," Tobi whispered to Deidara.

* * *

"Senpai! Senpai! Senpai!"

"Oh kami," Deidara grumbled.

"I have no weenies!"

Deidara blinked.

"In my _Beanies and Weenies_!" Tobi hastened to explain. "But there are no weenies!"

"Explains a lot," Zetsu replied.

* * *

"You've never had cake?!" Tobi demanded of his beloved senpai, incredulous.

Deidara shook his head. "Never."

Tobi's eyes gleamed as an idea occurred to him. "Chef, whip up some of that white stuff," he ordered.

"It's called icing in the normal world," muttered Kisame, complying.

* * *

"Tobi. Why do you have icing on your head, un?"

"I am looking cute and seductive so you can't help but want to 'take me town,' I think Zetsu-san called it."

Deidara mentally adjusted his Kill List, adding Zetsu _above_ Itachi.

* * *

"Oh, Senpai!" Tobi breathed. "It's so… excited!"

"Excited?"

Tobi nodded. "And… bubbly!"

"It's called fizz, un. Can't you even describe soda like a normal person?" Deidara asked.

* * *

"What's for dinner?" Deidara asked as he and Tobi entered the kitchen.

"Pork sausages," Zetsu answered.

Tobi burst out laughing. "Teehee, sausages."

* * *

"Smells… delicious," Deidara said in surprise.

"Secret recipe!" Tobi chirped.

"No… aphrodisiacs, right, un?" his partner asked, recalling the curry.

Tobi shook his head. "Pure clamminess, right from the ocean of the fish bed."

"Fish bed of the ocean," Deidara amended, thinking. "So it's clam chowder?"

Tobi nodded.

Deidara rolled that around in his head. "… There's nothing perverted to that," he said cautiously.

Tobi shook his head again. "Nothing, except for the fact that clams look similar to a la—"

"Aaaaaand, we're done here," Pein said, quickly intervening and pulling Deidara from the kitchen.


End file.
